cataragon: (Default)
Husband free night tonight (and probably the rest of the week). In general, this sucks, but very occasionally, like tonight, I actually enjoy just having time to myself. It's a part of our routine, really, so it's not that surprising.

Also, since it's not looking like there will be available flights to Europe for Some Time, I think he might only have to go to the Middle East, and I'm not so stressed out about not seeing him for ages. I think I may be the only person in the world to be happy about the ash cloud.

Tonight I watched the last parts of Cranford, which I thoroughly enjoyed - I have a weakness for witty and delightful costume pieces, and this has a really amazing cast - Dame Judi Dench is awesome.

And I've spent several hours doing digital organising, which is a very zen sort of process, especially file renaming. I do like to have things nicely sorted.

Also, the end of all of this organising is starting to be in sight, which makes it much more satisfying and less sloggy.

I'm still sick, and had to go back to bed today instead when I went to do glass, but I've made a doctor's appointment locally for tomorrow in the hopes that maybe it's something something can be done about.
And even feeling wretched I can get digital stuff done, so that's good.
cataragon: (Default)
Tonight I spontaneously made a fruit sponge dessert, and felt like myself for nearly a whole hour.

Plans keep shifting and changing around me. Cleveland, not Pittsburgh, is the latest suggestion. We will see.

Lizbet came out to see us on Sunday, which was really wonderful. I feel cut off and adrift, socially, and it really meant a lot that she drove all the way out here. And we just hung out, talking, listening to music, not doing anything, or on any schedule.
I really miss that - we used to do it all the time, at our house, just hanging out with friends. And there'd be food, sometimes, and music sometimes, and television sometimes, and it was lovely.
Now when we see people it's never like that. It's regimented and organised and in restaurants and cafes and public spaces. There's always a time limit, and it isn't nearly so relaxing.

So I miss that. I miss my kitchen, and I miss the people coming in and out, and I miss throwing party parties and dinner parties and brunch parties and tea parties and just because parties. I miss having people to cook for who appreciated it and I miss having my own space to relax in and share with other people. I miss seeing my husband for more than four hours a day tops. I miss a lot of things.

But tonight I made fruit sponge dessert.
cataragon: (Default)
Today I was supposed to go to a wedding, which I was really looking forward to for a couple of reasons - primarily because I like the couple, but also because Yay! Social Event!

Instead, this cold/flu/mild fever/tummy bug I've had for over a week and which I thought I was pretty much over flared back up worse this morning.

If we didn't live so far away I might have considered going to the ceremony briefly, but I wouldn't want to spread it around, and I probably wasn't even well enough for that, really, so it's probably for the best.

I hope the wedding went awesomely. I've heard good things already on the internet.

I spent the day in bed instead. Which was dull and annoying in that way in which spending time in bed is when you've already had quite a bit of time in bed, and you aren't so sick that you just want to sleep, but are sick enough that standing up is bad, and everything aches and is ick, and you're restless no matter how you lie.

Since this is the second weekend somewhat spoiled by the bug, I hope it will be gone soon. I think it's waning - I was hungry today, after my fever broke, and I haven't been so much lately.

Oddly, I sort of enjoyed the weekend in Wellington, despite being pretty much stuck in the hotel room. It was comfortable, at least - I still maintain hotels are great places to be sick in, what with room service and regularly freshened linen. And relaxing, which was sort of the point, although I do wish we'd got out to do/see more. The sick part sucked, but it could have been worse (at least the worst bit didn't coincide with travelling, because that is really really awful, I can tell you from past experience)

And Dan is still here, even though he wasn't meant to be. He's still waiting on the return of his passport with a visa he needs for his trip to the Middle East, and since Europe, where he was going first, is covered in The Ash Cloud, it's probably a good thing he wasn't leaving Friday anyway. Plan B was Monday, but I think we're on Plan C now. I'll probably get told eventually, and in the meantime I get more time with him, so yay.
On a random sidenote - his work has reallocated his work phone number temporarily to someone else, which is odd. Don't use it, if you have it. Email him instead.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel well enough to be upright. I hope so - my glass is calling me, and I'm totally over bed.
*cross fingers*

Now, sleep. I hear it helps, or something.
cataragon: (Default)
Off to Wellington tomorrow. Not going to Auckland now, my mother is flying up by herself instead.

Dan and I are going to be in Wellington until Monday, which I hope is going to be awesome.

I'm really really over packing, though :-)
cataragon: (Default)
My easter surprise was my mother and husband totally reorganising the garage in order to set up my glass studio for me here. Totally unexpected, and totally awesome1.

It's a bit silly, I guess, but having something I know I'm sort of good at, and being able to expend energy on getting a little bit better every time I try it is super good for my mental health.
In a sea of uncertainty, glass is simple, and conquerable.

And beads are very zen, I think. It's the patience required for getting the glass just right - once you get past the OMG-HOT-GLASS-PANIC! of the beginner, it's very soothing.

Currently I'm working on Pandora style beads - I have some unfinished commissions to complete (sorry Maggie!) and my mother wants a specific style of bead re-made in a big hole for a gift. Also some people I love have got Pandora bracelets and would like, I think, some beads. And if they don't - too bad, they are getting them anyway, because I want to practice. I've spent so much of my limited bead time in the last year on period style beads, I want to play more with something modern.

Anyway, it's a different ball-game, for many reasons - depth is more important, and more limited, because the hole takes up a lot of space. The mandrels are much thicker, and much heavier, and the larger diameter makes laying things straight more difficult. But I kind of love them anyway.

Next I want to order some silver tube, and try adding silver linings, like the real thing.

I'm still going road-tripping, probably. Possibly tomorrow. Possibly Thursday. Possibly something else. If I come near you, I'll let you know as soon as I can beforehand, in case you want to see me (or throw rocks when I'm passing or something ;-P)

Dan is off overseas again, so I'm sort of rolling myself up emotionally to deal with that. Sometimes it makes me so mad, that we undertook this whole thing in the first place so as not to have to deal with so much time/distance with work travel, and now everything is just like it's always been, only I don't have a home or a life, so basically everything is just worse. Other times, I decide it's not worth being mad about, since that only makes me more miserable, and has no effect whatsoever on the people whose fault it is.

Still averaging over a month a year, though, yay2! We've been together for ten years3 in a few months, and I don't think we've ever spent a whole one together.


1I do vaguely suspect them of doing it to just to stop me spending the next month of my life in pajamas playing video games and watching media, and generally being a miserable pain in the ass. Because I totally might have done that.
2 Note sarcasm
3 If you've known us this long, don't think about it too much, it'll just upset you, and I don't want to be responsible for your midlife crisis when you realise our youth is gone, gone.
cataragon: (Default)
I'm feeling a LOT better about the world in general.

It's not that anything has really changed - our lives are still completely ridiculous. It's just that I kind of had a philosophical moment where I decided that I was sick of being beaten around by life, and cowering, so I was going to meet it head on.

I will do what I can with what I can, and accept that which I cannot do anything about at present. And yeah, fuck it, I'll fight, and try and beat my life back into something I'd actually like to live in, as much as I can. I'm sick of waiting passively around, for things to get better. I shall make it better, even in small ways, if I can't in big ways.

In things I have been doing lately: not a lot. I went and tried to fix my Grandmother's computer, without very much success, pretty much because it's 11 years old and running Windows ME, which was weird long before it got so out of date. I am now looking at sourcing her a somewhat less ancient, but not excessively filled with features computer. If you, or someone close to you has such a thing available for sale, let me know (desktop, just for internet/email/word processing pretty much, running XP well I think, reliable, slim profile a bonus).

I made hamburger patties, slightly experimentally, and confirming a pet theory of mine. My hamburger pattie/meatball research is now nearly complete, which is nice, because it's quite adaptable to different applications.
I do wish LJ would allow me to add creepy lighting, dramatic music and nicely timed lightning bolt here, because I so desperately want to say "I have created...{dramatic pause}...the perfect meatball! {maniacal laughter}"
Sadly though, theatrical effects are unavailable.

And I've seen my sister and brother in law and littlest neice, the first time since Christmas. In the intervening timespan she has mastered walking, and is even becoming a little teeny bit naughty. And it's a bit weird, but that's super nice to see, after all the hospital stuff last year, when she was so quiet and sleepy and sort of creepily doll-perfect whenever she wasn't crying or seizing.

Tomorrow I have plans to take a really long luxurius shower, and to do some yoga for the first time in ages, possibly not in that order. And then, I think I'm going to try and write myself some personal, non-packing, non-moving, non-reliant on location/space/specific items goals. Things that will make me feel happier and more fulfilled. And then I'm going to write a plan to accomplish some of them.

I'm looking forward to it.

Today.

Mar. 22nd, 2010 03:33 am
cataragon: (Default)
Today has been...not bad, really.

Mental health still quite a long way away from optimum - I think I've just reached too close to the end of my cope levels. Last time this happened was 2004, with the sick, and the aborted honours year and the ICK.
I'm hoping that if I can just get in a bit of relaxing happy time, it will refill the tank enough to keep going until the Giant Awful Things get sorted one way or another.

Today, therefore, I sort of baked (I watched and supervised, which counts, right?). I ate nice dinner (there really is very little better than sweetcorn on the cob, straight off the plant). I played silly Nancy Drew game. I watched a little television. I beat my Trademe list back into submission.

Tomorrow, I might do some craft things. Or some cleaning. We will see.

I might also do not-very-much-in-particular.

Also: it looks like I'm going road-tripping with my Mum in early April through the North Island. Which sounds...kind of awesome, really.
cataragon: (Default)
Reaching the end of my time here, housesitting, shouldn't be stressful.
I've had a nice time, and the kids have been well-behaved (they always are, for the record) and it gave us a valuable filler time period.

I'm going to my parents, where I am made very welcome, and which, actually, sounds kind of appealing at the moment. I need a break, and I think I can breathe out there. I hope I can.

I think the rising panic is just because I have nothing scheduled, at all, beyond tomorrow. Tomorrow we get up early and change sheets and tidy a bit and pack the rest of the car and catch up with a friend and then head up north. And that's it. The end of any kind of planned schedule at all. No social engagements, no required accomplishments, no destinations or plans. Nothing.

It all feels a bit like driving off the edge of a cliff.

I don't quite know how we ended up here, and I sure as hell don't know the way out.
cataragon: (Default)
I keep having dreams, which are pretty transparent, about giant and endless piles of things to be sorted, and packed, and cleaned. Where landlords show up unexpectedly (sometimes when I'm not dressed) to do inspections, because we are due out of somewhere earlier than expected, or I've got the date wrong. About being totally completely exhausted, but having to keep going to meet deadlines. About packing things into our car, but running out of room, which is a problem because there's no-where else for things to go, because we don't have a destination. About having nowhere to go.

Technically, I think they are nightmares. They lack the some of the true horror of my normal nightmares, but I do wake up completely panicked, so I guess they count.

Last night I also dreamed about trying to get to a graveyard on time to rescue/obtain some lovely homewares some people I know had left there at night for people to find, while living in a city where all the transportation ran in tubes somewhat like hydroslides, and you had to time your pedestrianism/small vehicle driving just right, so as not to be hit by giant caterpillar like trains which ran in the same tunnels at high speed.

Fun.

Please

Mar. 16th, 2010 01:30 am
cataragon: (Default)
I realise that mining is a hot button issue for a lot of people at the moment, and that people have a lot of feelings about it one way or another, but I'd really appreciate it if people could not use my last post to get into that.

I know I brought it up, but it was in a post that started "Today has been a really crappy day, in which I was hugely anxious and a whole lot of stuff that..[is]..quite important to me has gone wrong."

In the middle of that, I just didn't want to think about somewhere I love and cherish changing for the worse. I felt violated by the idea and wanted to express that, I didn't want to have a big debate about the moral aspects of mining, and quite frankly, I'm not up to anything like that at the moment.

So, please take it somewhere else.
cataragon: (Default)
Today has been a really crappy day, in which I was hugely anxious and a whole lot of stuff that isn't terribly important in the grand scheme of things but quite important to me has gone wrong.

And I just found out that among the bits of National Park our stupid government is thinking about allowing mining in (seriously? What the hell happened to my New Zealand?) is a chunk of Great Barrier Island, where I spent most of my childhood, and which I feel a significant bond to.

It's also a really amazing place - not totally unique, but very special. And it has all sorts of unique and interesting things on it, including the very endangered Brown Teal Duck and a kind of kanuka not found other places. It also has a lot of stuff found other places, but not in huge quantities, like massive bush coverings and hordes of native birds.

And I just feel like we need to start asking ourselves if all of this kind of stuff is worth it? Some things, I feel, and I know it's a cliche, are worth more than money.

And maybe if the money would be going in some way towards good in the world, then that might be a balancing act worth seeing. But it won't be, and it isn't.
cataragon: (Default)
Today was crap on several levels, including the fact that I am still calling it today, even though it's practically sunrise on tomorrow.

I need to look on the plus side, though, because I need to keep focusing on positives, or I'll just go "harumph" and collapse in a pile of petticoats and refuse to go any further. Or I would if I had sufficient petticoats, in any case.

So, plus side: We have a couple of dozen cans of Dr Pepper, due to a cheap supply I located. This means I don't have to be parsimonius with it for once, and have drunk 3 cans today. It might not be entirely good for my body, but it did my mental health a bit of good. I watched a movie I enjoyed tonight (The Secret of Moonacre - not quite right, exactly, but gorgeous and fun). I saw my mother. I'm still loving my new hair cut and colour. My borrowed young people amuse me. New old recipe books. Guide biscuits. Casual gaming. Less pain.

The piles of crap can be left to fester in their corner, I think, instead of being pulled out to be dug over.

The nasty cherry on top of the shit sundae though is that I seem to have developed what I can only assume are stress related hives. Seriously?

I want out, but there's nowhere to go.
cataragon: (Default)
Had a pretty good day today.

Plumped my self esteem by doing a small catering job for a friend well, and pretending I was a real person with actual skills and accomplishments for a bit. Extra points for the challenges faced due to me being in someone else's kitchen and my zester being in Kitchen Box 1, with my mortar and pestle in Kitchen Box 10 (There are 11 of them, with probably 2 more to go. Don't judge me).

Played Risk against Dan, and was thoroughly beaten by his inferior strategy but eerily good dice rolls. Enjoyed it anyway - sometimes wonder why we don't play more board games (apart from the fact that they are all in Games Box 1).

Also created excellent home copy of Wellington's Peanut Butter and Chocolate Milkshake, which was delicious, but led to me not eating dinner till 9.30, since it filled me right up.

Sore tonight, again, but it came on late enough that I've had a good day, and I'm okay with just lolling about watching fil-ims and not lifting or holding anything.

On which topic, I heartily recommend Easy Virtue as a movie - it's got wit, charm, a historical setting, bitchiness, a glorious British cast and Jessica Biel and Colin Firth.
Made my evening.

Later days,
C.
cataragon: (Default)
Rollercoaster go down, rollercoaster go up.

The question is: do we even want to get to the end of the damn thing anymore?
cataragon: (Default)
Today I was tired. But we got stuff done. Which is good.

And my neat little packagings up of my life is nearing completion, which is oddly satisfying.

And I've beated iTunes into submission, so it works my will, and at least my music is getting organised, and album arted, and generally soothing my need for order.

And we had Quite Nice Dinner at Soho on Riccarton Rd, with my parents, and Steak and Seafood soothed the vicious beast.

None of which actually means I'm doing okay at present, but at least I'm still trucking.

It could be worse.
cataragon: (Default)
Today started out fairly blah and then turned into a horrible, terrible no good day.

For the love of all things holy, do not ask me about America. Please.

DIAF, YFW

Feb. 24th, 2010 03:42 pm
cataragon: (Default)
I am filled with rage for the insurance techs who replaced my laptop.
When I got it back a couple of weeks ago, I discovered they had set it up with Dan's full name as owner and primary user (impossible to properly rename under Windows 7, and even if a new user is created and previous one deleted, which is the only solution, it is still somehow hardwired in for new program installations and unfixable without a regedit).

I have a thing about personalised electronics, and also a thing about not including last names on computer setups, and also a thing about how my entire fucking life already revolves around my husband and his job and I have virtually no life of my own at the moment, and I wanted my own fucking laptop thank you very much.
And yes, it's probably deeply psychological, but I find, when the rest of my life is all over the damn show, having my digital life organised and just how I want it, deeply satisfying. And having it all fucked up, and completely out of my control, and unfixable, even by putting serious time into it, really upsetting.

I was trying to deal with it, because stressing about how my laptop keeps calling me by my husband's name seems kind of silly, in the grand scheme of things. But I wasn't happy.

And then today I figured out that they installed 32bit Windows 7 instead of 64bit, which given the specs of my laptop actually makes a freaking difference.

All of this despite having the freaking hard drive of the previous laptop, and being in fairly regular contact with Dan about the insurance claim. And he had said repeatedly that it was his wife's laptop.

Other highlights: promising an identical reinstall, and then a zipped copy of the previous HD and then just copying across the My Documents etc folders. After complaining I have got my previous HD back in a caddy to play with for a bit, and rescue things like save games and so forth that aren't conveniently stored in the Bunny Folders, but still. Quote: "Oh, we have a place for the Primary User name on our forms, but we didn't fill that in with you". Yeah, cause if they'd asked at all, he would have told them to use "Cat". Or you know, if they'd looked at the HD they were supposedly exactly replacing data and all, it might have been apparent that that was what we wanted, along with the fucking 64bit system, since that's how we fucking SET IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Lazy fuckers.

*HATE*
cataragon: (Default)
There's a lot of music that just sort of floats around in my life.

I'm not good at names and titles, even when I've been told them. There are vast tracts of music that I've absorbed without any associated information. I cannot for the life of me name even half of half the goth and alternative music I've been soaking in at KAOS parties for years, for example. I can barely name any classical music by name, but I know a lot of it.

My music collection is...eclectic. What catches me with music is not particularly genre specific. But it's not all that huge - I can quite happily listen to favourite songs a lot at a time, and then just cycle through when I get bored. I love finding new music, but I'm not very organised about it, I tend to go through music collecting phases every few months, but no more than that.

Dan is...not like me. He has vast encylopaedic musical knowledge, and can be almost scary in his ability to name song titles and artists and even albums and release dates from a few notes. His music collection is both eclectic and freaking huge, and he's always finding new and often obscure things.
And he's been weaving music around me for years and years, most of which I haven't appreciated nearly as much as I should have.

Which is a long winded way of saying: I think I'm falling in love with Sarah McLachlan's work. This is sort of ridiculous, since it's not like I haven't been exposed to it before. But also sort of awesome, because, at least for me, there is something really fantastic about discovering something which is also vaguely familiar. Like the best bit about new music and the best bit about old music all wrapped up together.

I suspect I'll be running into this a lot more in the next few weeks, as I'm going through our combined hard copy music collection, and then organising the resultant and existing digital collections. So I'm finding things of mine that I haven't seen in ages, and more of Dan's things I maybe didn't pay so much attention to before.

Music makes the world better. And my world can always do with a bit of better.
cataragon: (Default)
Went to Wellington-Town for the weekend. Had a lovely time, with lovely people (thanks!)

"Home" again now. How long until I get another one, I wonder.

Rest now, then up and at the real world tomorrow.
cataragon: (Default)
It appears we have a timeframe. I wouldn't go so far as to call it definate, yet, but to be honest, I suspect I'll remain somewhat cautious until we get on a plane (okay, maybe when we have booked tickets).
Late March, early April. Somewhat conveniently (okay, I planned this part) just after we finish house-sitting. It all looks to be coming together well, which makes me deeply suspicious. It's not paranoia if things often do go terribly wrong, right?

Dan decided I was stressing too much (I was) and put me on enforced doing very little except relaxing for a couple of days. Partly this is because my doctor has a theory that my terrible horrible very bad no good pain is stress-related (she hasn't found any other reason for it yet). It makes me feel a bit like a jolly big idiot, because seriously? Stress joint pain? But apparently it's not unheard of - tension in soft tissue leading to joint pain blah blah. And partly it's because I am often next to useless when very stressed out, plus stressing him out and making the whole process horrific.

I kind of hate it, even though I know it's good for me. Which it is. And I have to give myself some leeway - like it or not, I have mental health issues not of my making, and although I have learnt good coping skills for every day life, large amounts of stress overwhelm them a bit, and that's normal, and okay. Kind of shitty, but okay.


Anyway, I'm quite a lot better stresswise than I have been for some time, which is good, and is making all of this seem a bit more like a Yay! Adventure! and less like Argh! Stress!
I am also in less pain than I have been in some time, but I can't tell if that's because I'm less stressed, or because my idea of a relaxing time involves a fair bit of lolling about, and very little in the way of physical activity.

And yes, I'm trying to write more. My new new laptop and it's giant pretty screen and lovely keyboard are helping, but we'll see how we go. I've had this journal now for nearly seven years, and I would like to keep using it. Especially in the coming months, when I may have all sorts of interesting experiences to record in it.

Now is bedtime. Or quite a lot past bedtime, depending on your point of view.
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