Jun. 28th, 2010

cataragon: (Default)
I've heard all my life about 'living in the moment'. It's supposed to be a good thing, I think - freeing and psychologically healthy and all that jazz.

I've realised I'm doing it most of the time at the moment, and I'm not at all convinced it's a positive thing. I think part of what makes humanity human is our concept of time - of past, and present, and possibly most importantly - future. We remember, we learn, we plan things. It's what drives us to accomplish things beyond immediate needs.

As long as I just keep living, day to day, enjoying things as they come, I don't have to deal with the trap surrounding me. So that's what I do, I live, and I try to ignore comparisons with the past, with how things once were. I do things I have to do, and I amuse myself. And I don't ever make plans for more than a month in advance. Actually, it's usually more like a week, but a month is the long view.

I do this, I think, because if I don't make plans for more than a month in advance then I don't have to try and visualise this future event. Which is neccesary, because it's impossible to see the context. I can't plan something that will happen in August, because to do so is to try and form a concept of August, and I cannot do that. I don't have the framework to hang it on, and trying just breaks my brain. It's like trying to build something solid by hanging jelly off bits of air.

August does not exist for me in solid form. I have many possible Augusts, but very few probable ones. Only August will know what August will turn out to be. I certainly don't. It is near impossible to even picture it and trying stresses me out.

So I don't. I try not to live in the past, and I cannot live in the future.
I'm living in the moment.

And it sucks.

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cataragon

September 2010

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